When I reflect back on the paths I and others in my life have chosen, I realize what a true gentle soul I have.  Never wanting to hurt others, or play psychological games results in a low score on  My BS level. In person, I can engage with anyone and talk about most anything.  I visit the senior center once a week and have already met 20+ people. This past week I met a retired aerospace engineer and his wife.   One nice man is very interested in me. I could tell as he found the table I was sitting at, this past Friday, and rushed over to catch the empty chair next to me. He is very sweet and said he missed me as I had not been there for 2 weeks. Mind you, we have only talked 2 times. We chatted for a bit and then he suddenly got up and said he had to leave.  I think the anxiety finally got to him :~)  But I will never allow the relationship to push past just a friendship due to my illness. Therefore, I will keep the interaction spaced out in order to keep the attachment level low.  Lets see, where am I going with this... 

It is a good idea to examine our past and all the relationships we engaged, especially the love ones.  I find out that I seem attracted to men in pain.  That is a double edge sword as when people have been deeply hurt, they often do the “relationship dance” meaning they just do not have the capacity to be faithful.  They require distraction so they will not get too close and in the process leave a trail of broken hearts as they are usually very skilled at getting any woman they want.  They desire closeness and total love from the woman, but they are unable to give what they desire from another.  Carl, the father of my child, was extremely good looking and had a line of women beating down our apartment door.  Intelligent and skilled verbally, women were in awe of him and he thrived on being the center of their attention. I remember once we were at a restaurant and as we were walking out the door, a beautiful woman came up to him, handed him her phone number and said “I would fu*k you any time you want”  As we walked out, he looked at me and said, don’t worry, she is the type that fu*ks everyone.  I have no interested in that.  I remained silent.   Interesting as he ended up fu*cking my friends and even though he considers them all “hoes”  what does that make him?  I remained silent.  I find it is better to keep those thoughts within.  

Men like Clinton and Tiger Woods, while I admire their intelligence and enjoy their charisma, those are individuals I would NEVER want have an intimate relationship.  After all, the one thought that comes to mind is, when you are making love to them, can you imagine all those they made love to in the past?  It would fill a baseball field.  ((YIKES)))  I am sure they both have left a trail of broken hearts and I would never want to be one.  Even if they decided to come back to you, what does that say?  “You are better than anyone they can find so far, but if they find someone better, you are dust???

I do find the internet quite interesting.  Came across a web site last night in which a woman in her 20s as she stated, pining on a man’s blog site through poetry.  Actually she was quite good at poetry for being so young.   She seemed in love and angry because she thought he is moving on due to her age.  She mentioned the 10 year spread was not too much.  In reading his bantering through poetry to her, he is NOT in his 30s.  I would venture to say at least 50s possibly 60s.  She will be another one left in the dust of love’s illusion created by a very skilled individual.  The illusion one can create with a thousand masks is amazing.  Takes a lot of energy, time and creativity.  I am amazed at the level of energy someone is willing to expend for attention.  I wonder if their life is in shambles since they are so out of balance?  Anyway those are just my thoughts and interpretations.  Who knows if there is any accuracy? Older and wiser now about the Internet, I understand for some people, it is their entire life.  They can move about in numerous social groups and privately chatting with numerous people even at the same time possibly using several computers.  If you type fast and quick in your thought process, it is unlimited.  What an addiction, the excitement and adrenaline rush, bantering with several people simultaneously and staying a head of all… Better than a drug fix.  But in reality, where does this type of behavior lead a person but down a very lonely path.  For at the end of the day… who is sitting next to them, who is holding them, who is looking in their eyes… Those things are real.  I will never give my heart fully and completely until they are with me on a physical level. 

Feeling embarrassed now as I think who would even want to read some mundane thoughts that I am sure we have all experienced.